Harry Potter and The Gryffindor Massive: Aiii
by UnicornGiggles
Summary: DONE What happens when Ron becomes a teenager? Ali G parody contains swearing heterohomosexual, drugs references
1. Chapter One

_This is random. This is pointless. There is no real plot. It exists only to make you laugh and cry at the pathetic working-class British. Enjoy._

_Warning: This story contains opinions that are not your own. Please do not be afraid. Homosexual, drug and teenage motherhoodreferences throughout._

"Honestly Harry, if Ron doesn't get here soon I'm going to Herbeology class without him." Hermione stamped her feet in frustration as Harry insisted they wait for his best friend, and secret love, Ronald Weasley. "Come to think of it, I haven't seen him since yesterday afternoon," Harry murmured.

"He didn't go to bed with you last night?"

"…"

"Sorry , bad choice of words." Hermione patted him on the shoulder, aware of her friend's unrequited love. But Harry was too busy staring down the hallway. A figure clad in a bright yellow tracksuit, gold jewellery, a black woolly hat and yellow-tinted glasses was meandering towards them shouting, "Yo Mr Bombastic reggae fantastic, wurd 'em up! Give it up fo da Gryffindor Masseeeve."

"RON???" they gasped.

"Wassup me Julie?" Ron smirked and slapped Hermione's ass. She was too shocked to layeth the smackdown on him.

"—Oh dear," a voice said from behind them. They turned to see Draco Malfoy smirking in a Draco Malfoy way with Crabbe and Goyle stood either side him. "I do believe, that your pathetic friend has become a teenager – muggle style."

"Yes," Hermione added. "All teenagers with his financial background turn into… well _that_!"

"Is it coz I is ginger?" Ron frowned and took out his wand from inside his jacket. He pointed it at Draco. "You is on da Westside. Dis is my territory you batty boys."

"Hey we only did it once! And we were drunk!" Crabbe whined.

Draco pushed him aside and prodded Ron's chest, "Listen you plebeian asswipe-"

"Dat is not a nice way to talk 'bout your mum, innit?"

"Stop twisting my words, Weasley. I have to say Potter, you keep the weirdest company." Harry ignored Draco and turned to Ron. "What's the matter with you?! I mean, what's next? Cannabis? Ecstasy? Nike trainers???"

"Nah man we is into Duffs, aiiiii." He clicked his wrist and folded his arms defiantly. Harry looked to Hermione for help. "Alright," she said. "Lets try making him into something more tolerable. Like a gothic." She ushered Ron away from Malfoy and crew. "Is we goin' to 'erbeology, me Julie?"

"If you call me that one more time..." Hermione pushed him harder and Harry followed them both towards the toilets. "Aaah, we is going to get some real 'erbs innit? You has bin reading me mind." They hid inside one of the stalls in the gent's and Harry took out his wand. "Look man, I is not into dat."

"Quiet!" Hermione hissed. "We're going to make you feel better."

"Doubt it. Dat wand is well pointy."

Harry took Ron's wand, "No, we're not going to do THAT. We're just going to try put a spell on you to make you normal again."

"Gimme back me wand!" Ron made a move to grab it back but Harry was too quick. He jumped backwards against the door and it swung open. Hermione and Ron fell on top of him. Needless to say, Dumbledore was rather surprised to see them. "Erm... Harry?"

"Honestly sir, it's not naked happy fun time."

"Damn," said Dumbledore, helping him up. "So what ARE you three doing?"

"Trying to make Ron normal again, sir," Hermione piped up. Ron scrambled up from the floor and brushed himself down. "You is paying for a new medallion, aiii? You has bent me favourite one. Me got dat for swimming." Dumbledore stroked his beard. "I see... bring him to the Nurse's office."

"What is wiv you, man? I is not ill. It's coz I got a beard, innit? You fink I is a terrorist. I swear me has never bin on a plane in me life."

Hermione peered closely at his face, "That's not a beard. That's teenage fuzz around your lips."

"Me would like to see _your_ fuzzy li-" Ron began before Hermione gave him a very painful jab with his wand. Dumbledore held Harry aside whilst Hermione began pushing Ron again, towards the Nurse's office. "I'm afraid we may need to resort to drastic measures."

"You mean..."

"Yes. We'll have to call upon Snape for help."

**OMG CLIFFHANGERED**


	2. Chapter Two

"Well, this _is_ a conundrum," said Snape as he walked around Ron, checking his eyes and ears and pondering quietly. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Dumbledore?"

"Probably not," he answered, giving Snape a wink. Snape shuddered and continued to explain that he suspected Muglitus was to blame. "Muglitus?" asked Harry. "What's that?"

"A very nasty disease that breeds upon Muggle items when brought to the Wizarding World. It turns even the most competent wizards into the very worst of Muggle people. Which is why we have strict restrictions on these things. Mr Weasley must have many Muggle items in his possession for him to have it to this degree." Harry and Hermione exchanged worried glances. Snape didn't realise he was talking about the wrong Mr Weasley. Ron took advantage of the hushed discussion between the others and grabbed his wand off the table. A short spell later and he was gone. "Anyone who has been in recent contact with him will get it very soon," Dumbledore added. "So you three will probably come down with the symptoms very soon."

"Can't you get it, sir?"

"No. I've had the jab."

"There's a jab? Why haven't we fking had it?!"

"Because its a very rare and painful jab and we have laws to prevent this kind of thing happening anyway. Seems we should have been more prepared, it has already spread to you, Miss Granger." Hermione shook her head in disbelief, unaware of her hair forming into a greasy ponytail and of the thick makeup unprofessionally coating her face and building into dusty mounds around every crevice and line. "It seems that you've become a council-house single mother. Probably because of your Muggle blood you've caught the virus full on."

"But I don't have a fking baby!"

"Precisely. No teenage mother would have a baby actually on her person unless she was showing it off to her friends at school. It'll either be with its grandparents, social services, or its father, if you even know who that is - unlikely but not improbable."

"But of course I don't know who the father is!" she groaned. "Why me? I'm the smart one!"

Dumbledore sighed sadly, "It's always the smart ones, Miss Granger. Oh look, there's your baby now." A fair-haired baby around 6 months old materialised in her arms much to her dismay. "I haven't even held a boy's hand!"

"Muglitus creates an entirely different fictional timeline of events. You probably got drunk at a party and had a number of sexual encounters before one lucky sperm got through your frigid cervix and found the egg," Snape sneered. He had no time for this kind of mucking about when there was an epidemic about. He was the first to notice Ron had gone. "That little... Why wasn't anyone watching him?"

"We hab to gobine Rob," Harry tried to speak whilst tugging at the huge braces that enveloped his head and teeth. Dumbledore magicked them away. "Say what you needed to say, Harry, my magic won't last long against this."

"I said 'we have to find Ron', and stop him from spreading this further."

"Yes, before this baby tugs my nose ring off," Hermione growled and batted the chubby little hands away. Harry peered at the baby curiously. "You know... his hair is kind of gingery."

"Don't even fking suggest it, Harry. The hair is blond."

"Looks more white than blond to me," Dumbledore grinned.

"Don't you DARE even contemplate that kind of disgusting scenario! Draco Malfoy? As IF," she shrieked, forgetting her adulation and awe of him. "Now lets fking find fking Ron before he fking spreads this fking thing any fking further, alright you fkers?"

"Yes sir," they all cowered, except Snape who was trembling and rocking back and forth on the floor.

"Whab wrongb wib im?" Dumbledore reached over and prodded Snape with a stick. He immediately began to bite and gnaw it, growling furiously like a rabid dog until Dumbledore moved it away again. "Drug addict," he said simply. "Probably heroin. Would explain his greasy hair, tired dark eyes, wan look and neuroses."

"Sir, he's always been like that."

"Ah. Well anyway, let's go find Ron and cure everyone." Hermione put her baby into a pushchair she conjured up. "Thsay, Herbione, the baby'th bib sayth hib name ith Dino."

"That doesn't mean anything. Just because it's Latin and begins with 'D' and ends in 'O', doesn't mean it has anything to do with Draco, which just so happens to be Latin and begins with 'D' and ends in 'O' also," she huffed and then asked Dumbledore what the cure for Muglitus was exactly.

"The person who started the disease initially has to kiss everyone he spread it to."

"Yeth!" Harry cheered, "yeth yeth yeth yeth YETH!!!"

"That's a very fairytale way to stop a magic disease."

"Ah," said Dumbledore, "but only a fairytale can cure the misery and depravity of the real world. It is a Muggle's only encounter with magic and a fairytale in the heart is the best cure for anything reality can throw at someone." Harry nodded at this romantic notion and sighed happily. Hermione however was far too Mugglised. "What a load of crap!"


	3. Chapter Three

**OMG NEXT CHAPTER**

Ron was surprisingly easy to find. All the other children had gathered in the hall to witness his first live concert. It was basically Ron with a microphone making very bad imitations of record scratching and other such rap and hip-hop background noises. The children were enraptured. "Ron," Dumbledore shouted, "get back down here before your friend turns into a fulltime whore."

Ron put down his microphone and glared at him, "Dat is a very sexist way to talk about me bitch."

"Thee? He calb you hib bitchth. Thab meanth you went oub togebba."

"He calls every fking woman his bitch. He called Professor Gonagall his bitch when we went past her in the fking hallway."

"Miss Granger, language!"

"Sorry sir. I just seem to have an urge to swear," she told him and stubbed out her cigarette on her new dull pink tracksuit top. Draco ran past all the others and began to yell at Harry, "What the hell have you done to me?"

"Whab wrongb? You lookb the thame ab you dib earlier."

"Potter, I'm a rich, incestuously bred wizard with Muglitus. It's turned me into a member of the British Royal family. To top it all off, somehow now I'm in the middle of a trial as a judge. _Her_ trial."

"Mine?!" Hermione gasped. "What did I do wrong?"

"You had underage sex with another member of royalty and now you're both on trial."

"So, you're not the father?"

Draco cackled loudly, "Of course I'm not!"

"Oh thank heavens..."

"My father is."

"Noooooo!!!" she wailed. Dumbledore patted her head comfortingly, "He's not really. This is just a virus that's projecting different pasts into your minds and becoming tangible objects." Ron finally made it from the other end of the hall to theirs. It took him a very long time as he had to walk a special way to make himself look cool and sexy which consisted of him gripping his crotch with one hand and swinging his other arm. He knocked several pupils out cold. "Harry and Draco, go gather those pupils up, you too Snape - no, I don't have any papers you can borrow, see if one of the children do -and be careful that Ron doesn't touch anyone else." Harry and Snape got to work and Draco unwillingly helped. They soon made it back to the Nurse's office where Dumbledore gave Ron the horrible news that to cure everyone he would have to kiss them. "But 'alf o dem is blokes, innit. Me is not a batty boy."

"But Ron, think of our fking safety and wellbeing."

"Fink of me own safety an wellbeing! Me mates will kick me 'ead in if dey find out!" Snape rolled his eyes and puffed greedily at a spliff. "Look, you idiot. Your gang mates don't exist they're all in your head. Now kiss your classmates before they all become Safeway Deli assistants and try and buy drugs from me to have during their tea breaks."

"But da girls ain't even fit!"

"I think he's right, Mr Snape," said Hermione. "I quite like my baby now. And I'll never have to work again because the government will pay me to stay at home."

"Oh no, she's become delirious," Dumbledore gasped. "Kiss her Ron, before she's lost forever."

"Wicked!" grinned Ron and grabbed her for a big snog. Exactly three seconds later he was on the floor being pummelled to death. "How dare you kiss me!" she yelled.

Harry shrugged, "Welb, the's cureb. "Ith it my turb yet?"

"No, not yet. Let the others go first."

"But thath knob hair", he wailed. Dumbledore assumed he meant "that's not fair" and not what it actually sounded like. "Alright Harry, you can go next. Now I know it'll be weird for you to kiss a friend and a boy but you'll just have to close your eyes and bear it fo- Harry? Harry?" Dumbledore was cut off by a Harry-shaped blur leaping to where the half-dead Ron lay abandoned by Hermione who had had her fill of boy-bashing for one day. "Miss Granger? Is it just me or is he enjoying that a bit too much?"

"Sssh. I'm enjoying it too," Hermione whispered and cocked her head to get a better look.

"Good. I'm glad I'm not the only one." Hermione stared at Dumbledore before edging away from him swiftly. They managed to drag Harry off of Ron after a while and Ron cured the unconscious kids he had hit before. But it took a very long time to try and force him and Draco together. In the end, Draco decided to risk the painful series of injections, as did Snape. "Injection," asked Hermione. "There's an injection for the cure as well as an inoculation?"

"Well of course. Ron can't kiss himself, can he? So the cure is the same as the prevention; a very painful series of injections."

"And you didn't tell us there was an alternative because...? Hermione snapped.

Dumbledore shrugged, "This way was more fun to watch," and she couldn't argue with that. Snape conjured up a nurse and the injections and soon a very sore bottomed Ron came out of the office to greet his friends. "Sorry about all that. I'll tell my dad to bewitch his new stuff as soon as possible and see if any of my brothers have Muglitus. Best to stop it now rather than later."

Dumbledore smiled at him warmly, "Especially as your family seem to be all over the globe nowadays."

"Sorry for smacking you and calling you my bitch, Hermione," he said to her blushing sheepishly at the memories of the way he acted.

"Think nothing of it," said Hermione, giving him a quick hug. Ron left with Harry in tow to go call his parents and explain about the virus. "Harry," he said as they climbed up the stairs.

"Yes?" said Harry nervously, wondering how much Ron remembered.

Ron teetered on the last step before saying, "You're... You're a very good kisser."

"Oh," said Harry, blushing slightly. "Cheers."

OMG TEH EDN?


End file.
